Gifts not to give this Valentine’s Day (or not without some distance between you and your beloved)

February is the month for promoting really crappy Valentine’s Day gift ideas. Here are some of the worst offenders I found online.

I will garrote you with these, yes I will…

Love apron. If anyone were stupid enough to buy me a cooking apron that read  “Love: It’s what for dinner” I would have to garrote them with the ties. In fact, any apron gift would be used that way regardless of what it said. Ditto goes for tacky lingerie.

Jerky. That’s right, there’s a company that believes you should express your love with a subscription for beef jerky. Confused as a goat on astro turf? So am I. If anyone made me a gift of jerky, I would assume it was because one of us was a bit of a jerky.

Microbrew Beer Bucket Gift Basket. Admittedly, this is not a bad gift idea for someone who really likes beer. What disturbs me is the galvanized bucket included. Perhaps it’s just me, but gifts that say ‘and here’s something to vomit into later’ just aren’t very classy.

Custom Engraved Dog Tag Set. Okay, someone’s crack pipe was running hot when they came up with this concept. I’m not sure what this gift could mean other than ‘I love you so much I dream you’ll join the military and get posted to a far away war zone’. Ouch.

A monogrammed set of four ticking striped handkerchiefs. Don’t worry if you just said ‘what the fuck?’ because that was my response, too. Apparently this gift is for ‘emotional moments or dabbing eye make-up’. I guess you could give it to a girlfriend as well.

Plush teddy bears are not a bad option. They can be used to make a satisfying bonfire after a break-up.

What’s the worst Valentine’s Day gift idea you’ve encountered?